I need a real life sit and write down stuff journal. I lost mine somewhere along the way.
I just need an outlet. It's weird doing this army thing alone...it's weird doing anything alone. For the longest time I've had someone, Jenni, Katie, Deb, Angelica, Kristy, SOMEONE to talk through everything with.
There are people here I like, people here I can spend time with, get a long with...maybe people who would call me a friend, but no one I'd call a friend. Not in the truest sense of the word. We're all colleagues. Peers. Aquaintances.
So I'm not...lonely. Not the way Katie and Christina said they were. I just miss candid conversations. Right now there never seems to be a good time for those. I'm in barracks, with a slew of other people that I don't want to inconvenience, or I don't want them to overhear whatever I'm saying.
I guess it's the difference too in having someone who is always on your side.
I'm worried about this thing with Mike. I don't want to be friends with him anymore. Not if he has such a huge capacity for totally douchebaggeryness. But I hope I didn't make an enemy either. I probably shouldn't have told my captain. I just needed advice, and he was the only one I knew to turn too. I have to be very careful here. I feel like everything I say and do is being measured. Especially in front of my soldiers. What if I don't measure up?
I keep thinking things will be better once we get in country. They'll calm down, they won't be so high intensity. I hope I'm not building that up. Everyone seems so on edge here. And I want this initial frictiony stage to be over. I want to know where I stand with people, instead of constantly feel like they're still sizing me up.
Things here aren't bad...they're just not..good. Yet. And I miss having people around I can confide in. Next best thing. Guess it's good Jenni made me keep this crazy old thing...
I'm going to play basketball at this silly tournament this weekend....for those of you who don't know me personally, it pains me to admit this, but i'm short....and clumsy...and basketball is just not my thing.
So. Keep me in your minds and hearts, as I will be forced to endure an extended game of keep away, which is what basketball is for the short and clumsy souls such as myself.
I have now attended all of my classes at least once except for one. One of them seems like it's going to be hard, which is annoying, because I purposely tried to tip my schedule and schedule all easy A classes so that I wouldn't be stressing and missing sleep on the nights I worked.
Speaking of work, I have been wondering recently if people are born with the disease known as stupidity or if it's conditioned later in life. Is laziness in the genes, or is it simply taught? it's the age old nature vs nurture. Do nincompoops have tumors the size of small watermelons, or are they merely the product of our society?
Nincompoops, btw, is a great and underused word.
I need to utilize the latrine...
Jan. 30th, 2008 @ 04:45 am
so it's almost 5 AM, so this never ending morning is almost to an end and I can go to school and get these tests over with.
I decided to look up training requirements for Air Assault School to see what I'm getting into this summer. Very daunting.
Running 4 miles a day? WHY?
And we have to march 12 miles with 30 pound rucks and an M16 in less than 3 hours. Thats just scary.
When we first get there, theres an obstacle course and if you can't complete it and then run 2 miles in full battle rattle you're automatically out. Can I do this?
I should be running 4 miles a day NOW in preparation. And yeah right. Who has time for that?
Ok...I guess I can start getting ready for school now. Pour myself a big bowl of rice krispies and load them up with sugar. Good times.
So, this weekend was awesome amounts of fun.
I got to go out to CA to visit my best bud in the whole entire world, and as always, had a blast.
Friday we went to Olive Garden (I know, ew, right? But I like to keep the peace) and regardless of the food it was good company. We sampled wine, MarC hassled our waitress for checking our id's, Jenni made her cry, and Jay made dirty jokes that helped me to understand how he had acquired his nickname. Much fun, and I loved MarC and Jay both and thought they were perfect friends for my Jenni.
By the time we were done there we were all pretty much beat and decided to call it a night (Although Jay apparently had other plans). Me and Jenni went back, bonded, and slept.
I woke up early on Saturday, still not on their time, and got to see the beautiful early sun and read for about 3 hours until I decided Jenni was a lazy bum and it was time she joined me.
After Jenni manipulated Rob into thinking he wanted to drive us to breakfast, we jumped in the car whereupon they both discussed explicitly how disagreeable the lack of breakfast places were and how positive they both were there would be one right around the next corner.
The next corner finally came, and it was a cute little place. But the food servers found Rob unworthy and he had to wait until Jenni and I were nearly through with our food before his arrived.
After that, we picked up Jay and MarC and headed to the train station. We walked around, waiting for the train to come, hit up Starbucks for a direly needed energy boost, and almost looked around in a really cool secondhand bookstore. Jenni and Jay of course foiled our plans with their evil slave driving schedule.
MarC and I took it in stride I think, and were the bigger people.
The train ride up was interesting, MarC and I discussed religion, politics, and a number of other things which is taboo to talk about with someone you barely know, but what can I say, I live on the edge.
After arriving in "San Fran" and realizing how stingy these people were with their bathrooms, we got on a bus where Jenni invited a crazy smelly man to rant at us and then I angered him to a point where he was waving around his smelly arms in crazy gestures and felt he had to leave rather than be subject to our presence.
We arrived at Pier 39 relatively unscathed, although perhaps a bit sad at the departure of our new smelly friend. There was a cool breeze which seemed to carry an energy all it's own. We perused through countless stores, (much to Jay's dismay) playing the part of tourist to the fullest.
Jenni and I found some beautiful wolves which we promptly bought for one another, and then lost Jay. I wanted to give him up for dead, but MarC never lost hope that we would at least find his body. I think Jenni did at times, but she valiantly tried to mask her despair.
While a million scenarios played in my mind of Jay's unfortunate and early demise, I enjoyed watching the sea lions attack eachother and slumber in the sun.
However, my speculation of whether we should have Jay cremated or simply throw his body over the pier was cut short. MarC had found him alive (much to my surprise and Jenni's pleasure) so we had no need to worry ourselves over ways to transport his dead body.
We then decided after Jay's close call, the Pier was much to dangerous a place to stay so we headed out to see the world...or the nearby surrounding area anyways.
There was a round table discussion over whether or not we should hike to some tower, but it was decided inappropriate due to the lack of hiking material. Everybody had left their walking sticks at home and no one had remembered to bring a real elvish rope. We were completely unprepared.
So instead, we walked down the road and ran into some colorful people. Literally, there was the pink whore...I call her Pinkor. And the golden man who smoked. I called him Tar Breath. And the blue man who lacked any distinguishing characteristics besides being blue, so he just goes by The Blue Man.
It was very cool to see the culture that was so deeply entrenched in the streets of this city.
We walked into a bajillion stores. Jenni Jay and MarC drew straws and MarC lost so he got stuck babysitting me as I explored the different stores and discussed buying extravagantly priced stuff.
Luckily, he happens to have a fortune just like me, so he fell right into the discussion of which would best best for the living room, the 12 foot horse or the 8 foot lion.
We decided to eat at the Rain Forest Cafe, as MarC had never experienced it before. So we made reservations, called Christine to inform her her presence was desired, and walked some more as we waited.
Of course we hit a chocolate store, where Jenni and MarC made cooing noises of utter delight and drooled, and Jay, being much more practical than the other two, actually BOUGHT chocolate to mop up their drool with.
MarC is excused for having not bought chocolate at the first store as he was saving to buy some at another, whereby buying Jenni and himself an excuse to tour yet another candy store.
We reached a point where we thought we would stop and rest for a bit, near a small beach with happy playing children and a nice breeze. We weren't sitting there long before the attack began. Large monstrous birds, with glowing red eyes and chilling caw's, advancing on us all at once.
Jenni MarC and Jay remained under some sort of spell, no doubt cast by the wicked birds, and couldn't see them for the danger they were. I had the presence of mind however to leave, and they followed.
A moment later, we all began to wonder if Jay really had died and we were all just a part of his heaven, as car after fancy car began arriving for a car show. Now it was Jay's turn to coo with delight, and MarC and I thought it was very inconsiderate of him to die and make heaven without something to entertain the rest of us, so we set out on a search for the holy grail or a foosball table, whichever came first.
After we found a foosball table, I schooled MarC on technique, style, and good sportsmanlike behaviour. He beat me twice.
We left there, MarC feeling very humble after my lesson to him I believe, and continued in our exploration, wondering into a music store where we pondered the uses of odd looking musical instruments and tried to think of a suitable diversion to lure away the counter lady carefully watching to make sure nothing was touched.
We visited an art store, where I had to explain to MarC who Barbara Streisand was and he explained to me how the only cool Canadian was Michael Douglas whose picture wasn't there.
Then we actually did have a very interesting conversation and he explained to me how Canadians view Americans and why...and I just want you Americans to know, you're not looking to hot over here, not from where my Canadian friend and I are standing. Not hot at all.
Then he told me all about Ronald Reagan, and we attempted to make the Bush Man scare us but were to formidable for his kind of cowardice, and everytime we passed he merely hid behind his bush. We showed him!
We put together a puzzle in a museum, and took a picture of our handiwork and got my alcy best friend a shot glass and then met the others.
Christine had arrived! There was much rejoicing throughout the land, it was kinda like something out of Lion King, all the animals bellowing at the same time, to show Christine their respect. I wanted her to make them shut up by the end of the meal but she seemed more interested in conquering the volcano.
We ate, Jenni drank(which wasn't entirely her fault, as I did force her to drink my drink which I picked out and made her and Christine get as well which none of us enjoyed...), and all were Merry. But we made Pippin stay home this time. :-(
Jay developed a bad head ache, probably some kind of a side affect from dying, and we all stayed away so we didn't get his death cooties.
We went outside where we happened upon this AMAZING performance, like watching a dance, but all he had was spray paint and a blank canvas. Christine and I made cooing sounds of utter delight, and it really was just that cool.
Upon realizing he was selling these works of art for only 10 dollars, we both decided we wanted one then watched as all the good ones were snatched up while we were deliberating. At which point, we swallowed our fear and indecision (and indigestion) and pounced on two, and then after more deliberation and swapping, settled on some really cool ones.
Jenni by this point had caught some of Jay's death illness. She forgot to stay away from his cooties and there you have it. They both wanted to leave, but Christine and I wanted to stay (we were still glowing from our delighted cooing) and since MarC had lost earlier when they drew straws, he had to stay to babysit.
MarC, Christine and I did more walking around, discovered some new shops and appreciated all the different ways artistic people manage to express themselves, whether it be by a particularly poignant and message filled sculpture, or a Birthday Card.
MarC then bravely brought up the hike to the tower once more. We took inventory of ourselves, and decided we would have to attempt the quest, and that we would not be able to face ourselves if we faltered in this challenge.
Christine sang words of encouragement and I sang words of woe and MarC really didn't sing at all. There were times when we were thwarted, an impenetrable wall where we thought there would be a street, a steep mountain when our legs begged for a gentle valley.
But we persevered, and we made it to the tower. It was worth the walk. The view was breath taking, and I was reminded that not all things created by man had to be ugly. Some can be beautiful, if not natural.
Christine and MarC took pictures and we made the long journey back, without wands or brooms or any flying cars to assist us.
Once there, we bade Christine farewell and good luck, for she must go on alone and now the truly perilous part of the night had begun. We were in a race against time itself, and time is indeed an unyeilding and cruel master.
MarC and I used all of our combined wits and talents to obtain transportation, and found ourselves to be sorely wanting. Defeat was on the horizon, and it was going to be a bitter night of disappointments if we had risked so much for a our quest only to be denied passage home.
When suddenly, a knight in a shining yellow cab picked us up. He raced through the streets of San Francisco with total disregard for his (and our) safety. He fought the law and the law didn't win. Respect for this stranger mounted in MarC and myself as we realized that we had now met out very own fairy cab driver, and he was indeed going to get us to the train by midnight.
We rushed onto the train just in time, and fell into our seats with sighs of relief.
Christine meanwhile was facing perils of unspeakable danger of her own. MarC and I both felt the heavy weight of her trials on our chests, knowing if she did not escape the city our own narrow victory would be hollow and meaningless.
We spoke in hushed subdued tones, feeling the mounting tension rise as our bladders begged to be emptied and are hearts became even more heavy with concern for Christine. Jenni's phone rang.
It was Christine, telling us of her own harrowing adventure, in which she had to run down her own transportation, and evaluate who was to be trusted and who was not. She finally found a native who turned into a good guide, and friend in a time of need. We spoke over the phone until she was home, and I was much relieved when we finally knew she was home and safe.
MarC and I arrived at home safely as well and both felt the gratitude one can only feel after knowing they had been granted a second chance, a miracle had been performed and all of your worst fears had dissolved into laughter and relief.
I told Jenni of my harrowing journey and then we both fell asleep.
The next day we spent the morning bumbling around online and enjoying one another's company, until it was time for me to leave. Jenni drove and I felt the sadness one always feels when they know they are leaving part of themselves very far away and not always easily accessible, and unprotected without you there.
We said our good-bye's, and I left, sad but happy to have had any time at all with my amazing best friend, who among everyone never disappoints me, and her very fun and interesting friends.
Recap: Christine, MarC and Jay are awesome. Jenni is the coolest person in the entire world. (there you are bud. Just for old times sake.)
May. 26th, 2007 @ 09:59 pm
sooo...I don't know if you guys noticed....but this thing isn't so 'live' anymore....it's really kinda dead....
I am alive and kicking at Myspace, if you just happen to be losery like me and have followed the crowd there, look me up on it.http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=104129231
|» (No Subject)|
Aight. I'm bored like, so I've decided to scrape some rust off this old thing and make an entry.|
Anybody even out there anymore? Hello? Heeeelllllloooooo? Besides the crickets and that echo? No? Alright then.
Today is the 21st, which means I have 13 days and a wake up and I'm home. This is just better than peanut butter and jelly. It's the best thing ever.
The military has been a great experience for me. I went in a little bit embarrassed I was joining the army to pay for my college, but I'm coming out extremely proud to be part of something so dedicated to freedom and America.
I've made alot of friends here with alot of interesting characters. People I normally wouldn't have given a second look I would trust to have my back in a combat situation, and thats really cool and weird too.
I hope everything is going well with all of you. And the crickets, who are actually reading this. They've always been my loyal companions.
I did something to jack up my knee this morning while pacing a girl whose having issues passing her PT test. Hopefully that will go away. I swear, I just go hop from one injury to the next.
Gimme a holler if you're still alive.
|» Excerpts from twenty-second letter, dated July 18, 2006 to Jenni|
Do you have any idea how close we are? 15 days and a wake up til Family Day, and I'll get to see you all. I'm so excited!
This is probly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Not ya know ... the exercises, or the training. But the being away from home, the discipline, not being able to talk to you all when I want. That part has been so incredibly hard.
I can't wait til AIT. A laptop, a cell phone, I'll be in HEAVEN!
This would all be so much more manageable if I could talk to you about it at the end of every day.
Today has been pretty good. Our final PT test is tomorrow, so they've been taking it pretty easy on us.
We watched part of some HBO mini-series called Band of Brothers. It was interesting but just too violent. Not like narrow movie violent you know, but like, whole movie is about a war therefore a new character dies in every scene violent.
And violence just ... disgusts me. I mean, why?
Like the other day, we were in line for chow and someone spotted a lizard. So one of the guys picks up a rock and says he's going to kill it and it's just like, what the flying flip?! Why? Just because it's a lesser life form and it wandered into your line of vision you have the right to kill it?
I think the army is supposed to have the opposite effect on me, and I'm supposed to become some crazy psycho killing machine, but it's just made me so much more aware of how little value those around me place on life, and how important it is to me not to become like that.
Not everyone here is crazy psycho killers. I talked to a couple others the other day who were just like me.
But there are more of them than us, and the army is on their side.
Every living organism should mean something to you, I don't care who you are. That's life. That's something you can't make, and you shouldn't be able to just take it whenver you feel like it.
Maybe I'm just being hyper-sensitive, but it's just sad. Life, it's a miracle. I'm still amazed at the complexity of a leaf on a tree.
But some of these people look at pictures of people torn apart by IED's and they laugh. It's sick.
I miss you so much Varda.
When I look into the horizon and see a beautiful sunrise so many times I wish you were there to appreciate it with me.
Or sometimes, when I'm outside and I feel one of those perfect breezes, I wish my hair were down being tossed by the wind and you were there too, just smelling life, breathing it in.
I better stop before I get all mushy. I love you dear one.
To Infinity and Beyond,
|» Excerpts from twenty-first letter, undated to Jenni|
I'm back! White Stix is over! Blue Phase started today.
1 week of training and 1 week of Victory Forge and then it's over basically. The last week is just processing and stuff.
White Stix would have been crazy fun if I hadn't been so tired and drained feeling the whole time.
On Day 1 we trained on how to spot and react to an IED (improvised explosive device).
We broke our squads into teams and then went on missions. Halfway through the mission BOOM! and we all jump down and we're getting fired on.
We had lasers attached to our weapons, our keutars (erm, helmets) and our LCE (utility belts) so if we got "shot" it beeped and we had to play dead. My squad did awesome. We suffered one casualty, but that's not so bad when you take into account that we came out with 4 EPU's and killed dead everyone else.
The next day we practiced entering cities and clearing houses, and worked on the appropriate way to deal with the native civilians.
That night was NIC at Night (NIC = Night Infiltration Course).
We had to low crawl the length of 3 football fields with our IBAs on (something Bulletproof Armor. Not sure what hte I stands for. But they're vests with bulletproof plates in them and those suckers are heavy). And they were shooting live rounds over our heads ... it was crazy.
I wrote all of that on Wednesday and lost this letter. Today is Sunday and I got to talk to you! I love talking to you. I feel good today. It's almost over now ... almost.
Go ahead and get me that laptop. [credit card info] Ok. So go ahead and order that for me please, and bring it with you to my graduation. Do you have enough time? If not, don't worry about it. If so, that's cool.
Ok. I gotta go. I LOVE YOU!!!
|» Excerpts from twentieth letter, undated to Jenni|
Today has been a lot better than yesterday. I haven't been yelled at at all (not by my drill sergeants anyways).
Tomorrow I'm taking Hunter with my to the minimall. I'm not sure if we'll make phone calls though, it depends on how she is.
Right now I'm snacking on some peanut M&Ms and waiting for my fireguard shift to end so I can go to sleep.
Earlier today I threw two live hand grenades. So much fun.
The standing in line for 3 hours afterwards wasn't, but ya gotta take the good with the bad ya know?
2 1/2 more weeks and this will all be over. I kind of think I'm gonna miss this, but right now I just want it to end.
2 packs of strawberry Bubblicious
(5 pieces in each pack)
1 Big bag of Strawbursts and Skittles
$5 worth of cookies
I know there was stuff I wanted to reply to in your last letter but I can't remember any of it now.
I'm gonna try to write John back tomorrow. His letter was cute.
Crap! Drill Sergeant, gotta go, I'll finish tomorrow!
Tomorrow it is. I'm at sick call, waiting on my shot. DS Valdez said I needed a shot for my poison ivy cuz it's gotten so bad.
Then me and Hunter are going to the mini-mall. I wasn't planning on trying any of this again but she really wants to so I'm making an exception.
What I hate is the waiting. You know how ADD I am, and you have to wait for hours upon hours to be seen by anyone at sick call.
2x Jolly Rancher Fruit Chews
But I don't think I'll make it through Victory Forge if I don't get rid of this poison ivy so here I am. We leave for it in a week, so I won't be sending any mail out that week, just so ya know.
Good Lord. Mail call after that is going to be horrible, because we won't get any that whole week.
Tomorrow I have to go back to the range. We're going to shoot a bunch of other weapons, like a saw gun and a grenade launcher. I mean, some people get so psyched up about this stuff, but why? It's just ... boring. Pull the trigger, boom, reload, shoot again. There's no story there! Nothing interesting going on.
Maybe I'm just being a girl, but I'm not all about this destruction, killing, shooting stuff.
I love you. I miss you so much dear friend.
|» Excerpts from nineteenth letter, dated July 13, 2006 to Jenni|
Dearest and most beloved friend,|
I just got 3 letters from you and I got to talk to you (for a very brief time) today.
If I get to make phone calls on Sunday you're it because I have so much I want to talk to you about right now. I'm just going to go in order of what's on my mind.
I'm sorry if I haven't been getting the letters out, they just haven't been giving us any personal time here lately.
Right now it's lights out and everyone else is sleeping but I'm sacrificing for you because you're just that special.
I've decided the 'meat' in the MRE's tastes a lot like your dog food meat you eat. You'd like it a lot.
Uhm. AIT. Yeah, I'll be able to hang out with ya'll most all of Saturday and Sunday, but Sunday night I report back.
Don't change your plans if it'll make things too difficult for you. It's not a big deal.
Uh, duh. Of course if I have a laptop I'm going to have Internet. And we're going to talk all the time.
I caught a cab by getting on a bus that goes to an AIT base instead of a BCT one. No Drill Sergeants there, and the cabs are lined up in rows waiting for AIT soldiers. There is no McDonald's on base doofus or I would have gone there instead.
I wish I got your letters at the beginning of every day. Talk about starting your day out right.
Halirious? Try Hilarious. You never could spell worth a crap.
I'm not going to turn into some alcy, no worries. I just want to try it once. And I want you there, because I'll feel llike I'm doing something wrong if you're not there to supervise.
Yeah. DS Valdez definitely ruined Pirates and X-Men 3 for me. Jack Sparrow dies, Jean comes back evil and kills Xavier. I could kill him. He did it on purpose too, with malicious intent.
Aww. You're so cute. Jenni, that's Basic Training. I get smoked because of other people all the time. It's their way of superimposing teamwork on us.
I have poison ivy really bad right now. To the point where it's close to painful. Right now it's just uber uncomfortable. I'm tired of playing army. Can I go home now?
Today I watched part of Black Hawk Down. It was weird, watching a movie that makes all of the training we've been getting seem so much more real. All of these scenarios they have us run through and these movement techniques are used on real battlefields.
I want to see the whole movie when I get out. We will have to rent it.
Tomorrow we're supposed to run through some uber training course using live rounds.
The course part will be fun, but the sitting around in the hot sun waiting for it to be my turn part will suck.
This letter is getting way too long, and I still have so much to say. Hopefully phone calls will happen on Sunday. I need an all nighter like we used to do, just to talk to you until we both lose our voices or run out of minutes. I miss you so much Jenni. I am so happy for you. Keep my updated.
Love always and forever,